ramble on transitions and life

After losing my ministry job and going through a ridiculous transition, I didn't know what to do with my life... Then after coming to terms with my sexuality after going through an ex-gay program and living a lie for six years, that was very difficult. A lot happened in 2009 and that year made me feel like a failure. I felt like I was a horrible Christian for failing at being ex-gay, I felt like a horrible person for not going to seminary like my professors said I would (and said I would do great), and when I lost my job, it made me rethink my calling.

After trying to pick up the pieces and just move on in any sort of direction (move out, work a dead in retail job and settle?) and failing at THAT, my dad was diagnosed with cancer at the end of March. I suffer from anxiety and depression, so I have always settled in life. I wouldn't step out of my fear so I took the easy way out. I didn't dream; I just accepted life the way it was. The only thing that helped me is when I felt called to ministry, and I had some desires in my heart, but I assumed they would never be fulfilled because my anxiety and depression would hold me back. One of the biggest things I couldn't get past is travel. I could barely go three hours away from home with having a major panic attack. Home was my "safe place", so when we were told we had to go from my small town in Mississippi to Houston Texas so my dad could get treated at MD Anderson, I freaked. Not only could I not handle what was going on with my dad, but I certainly couldn't handle doing it away from home.

The first few trips we made for tests in stuff, I was pretty anxious, but knowing we would soon go back home helped me a little. When the time finally came for my parents and I to come stay out here in an apartment, alone, for 7 weeks, I didn't think I could do it. But, not only have I done great, I drove us out here every time, I take care of dad, I talk to the doctors and get us around the big hospital, I do it all, and it doesn't phase me. Facing all of my fears and getting past them is the best thing that has ever happened to me. I'm sad that so much of my life was held back from these disorders, but now I can finally move forward and do anything I want. For the first time in my life, the sky's the limit. I can dream. I'm not sure what to think of this... And not only has this helped me with my problems, but it has helped my family come together and it has greatly helped my mom's view of me. I guess we are all blessed in situations if we really look.

So, I guess I'm over my stale transition. Things with me and God are a little rocky right now, but at least I can feel something again. I have peace about things with my dad, and continually pray. I hope treatment works, and we can all move on as better people.

more in the next post.