ramble on transitions and life

After losing my ministry job and going through a ridiculous transition, I didn't know what to do with my life... Then after coming to terms with my sexuality after going through an ex-gay program and living a lie for six years, that was very difficult. A lot happened in 2009 and that year made me feel like a failure. I felt like I was a horrible Christian for failing at being ex-gay, I felt like a horrible person for not going to seminary like my professors said I would (and said I would do great), and when I lost my job, it made me rethink my calling.

After trying to pick up the pieces and just move on in any sort of direction (move out, work a dead in retail job and settle?) and failing at THAT, my dad was diagnosed with cancer at the end of March. I suffer from anxiety and depression, so I have always settled in life. I wouldn't step out of my fear so I took the easy way out. I didn't dream; I just accepted life the way it was. The only thing that helped me is when I felt called to ministry, and I had some desires in my heart, but I assumed they would never be fulfilled because my anxiety and depression would hold me back. One of the biggest things I couldn't get past is travel. I could barely go three hours away from home with having a major panic attack. Home was my "safe place", so when we were told we had to go from my small town in Mississippi to Houston Texas so my dad could get treated at MD Anderson, I freaked. Not only could I not handle what was going on with my dad, but I certainly couldn't handle doing it away from home.

The first few trips we made for tests in stuff, I was pretty anxious, but knowing we would soon go back home helped me a little. When the time finally came for my parents and I to come stay out here in an apartment, alone, for 7 weeks, I didn't think I could do it. But, not only have I done great, I drove us out here every time, I take care of dad, I talk to the doctors and get us around the big hospital, I do it all, and it doesn't phase me. Facing all of my fears and getting past them is the best thing that has ever happened to me. I'm sad that so much of my life was held back from these disorders, but now I can finally move forward and do anything I want. For the first time in my life, the sky's the limit. I can dream. I'm not sure what to think of this... And not only has this helped me with my problems, but it has helped my family come together and it has greatly helped my mom's view of me. I guess we are all blessed in situations if we really look.

So, I guess I'm over my stale transition. Things with me and God are a little rocky right now, but at least I can feel something again. I have peace about things with my dad, and continually pray. I hope treatment works, and we can all move on as better people.

more in the next post.

cancer is a scary word

My dad has been having some issues with acid reflux and just feeling crappy. We took him to a few doctors and he was given meds. He had a stroke six years ago and it left him unable to communicate (he says the same few words over and over), so it was hard to know exactly what was going on. They finally referred him to a G.I. doctor and last Monday (March 29, 2010) they did the scope down his throat and found the tumor. Esophageal cancer. The five year survival rate is 5 percent. Tuesday, April 13, 2010 we will be making our way to M.D. Anderson in Houston, Texas to get the best possible care. Prayers and support are greatly appreciated.

Apologizing to people you dated to cover up your lie...

So the major topic right now is health care, and sure, I could rant forever about how people are ridiculous, and how sad it is that people are making horrible statements about having to "take care of bums"... I just may do that later. But since every other person will be discussing it, I want to take the time to talk about the people ex-gays hurt, and how to reconcile these relationships.

You see, when I became a Christian, I had such a personal relationship with Jesus because it happened on my own and I wasn't raised in Church, that I really wanted to please him. When people told me I had to be straight, I jumped into the first relationship I could. Now, I would never apologize to that jerk because he was abusive and destroyed my life, but there were a few guys I tried to get to know after that, and one was really wonderful. I tried, but obviously couldn't feel anything for him. He was devastated and it ate him up because he wanted to know what he did wrong. It was wrong of me to lie for all those years and say I was straight. It was very wrong for me to lie and bring other people into it to hide my secret, or to prove I was straight and, therefore, a "good Christian". I never had an explanation for him, and we eventually drifted apart.

That was about a year ago or a little longer. We recently reconnected on facebook and began talking. I sent him an email explaining how hard it was for me to come to terms with my sexuality and how sorry I was for putting him through that. He was relieved to finally have closure. All is well with us now, and hopefully we can rekindle a friendship.

Ex-gay ministries can be helpful by helping people with porn addiction and things of that nature, but they are very dangerous by telling people they can be healed and go on to be married. When I was going through an ex-gay program, I was told not to worry about the emotions or attraction. The goal was for me to be holy, and not to trade one sin (checking out girls, I suppose?) to another (checking out guys). We were told that we were to retrain our brain until we no longer wanted a relationship with the same-sex. I was given books to read to accept my feminine side and have good friendships with other girls. I was told it was from having an overbearing mother, and that with enough prayer and work, I would be fine. And you know what? I was okay with that. If I could truly be healed and have a normal relationship with a man, I would want that. Who wouldn't want to be a "normal" person in society with the marriage, house, 2.5 kids and a dog. Sadly, it never worked. No matter how hard I tried, or how long I stayed in relationships, it would never feel right. People would say, "Oh, you aren't in love yet" or "you haven't found the right one". So there I went, putting another guy through a horrible relationship of me not feeling anything, but dreaming of marrying him and hoping things would work themselves out.

It isn't your fault for getting into a marriage or even just a relationship with some of the opposite sex and then hurting them. I hope and pray that people will stop trying to make people be something they are not so we can all go on to live happy lives. The straight person looking for the love of their life doesn't deserve be fooled by a supposed "ex-gay", and the gay person doesn't deserve to be pushed into a relationship that will never work. It's never too late to apologize to someone, whether it is a straight person you attempted to be straight with, or the gay person you tried to force to be straight. I suggest it. It will be a weight off your shoulders.

Girl turns hatred into good.

I just want to be loved...

I have always known I was gay, but I especially knew at 14. That is when I came out. When I went through a little ex-gay program and prayed and prayed for God to take away the gay (and after realizing I could never be straight after trying to be with a man) I settled on a life of singleness. I was happy then, even though I was single. Everyone loved me, but I was alone. Now that I have someone and I'm very happy with them, my family life is strained. It's like I have to choose. I can't handle the stress. I mean, my family life isn't BAD, but I know my brother's are pissed about my life. My mom asks "how did you wind up getting back in sin? You were doing so good beating it!"

I can understand people not agreeing with me, but acting like I am the worst person in the world is not helping me. Treating me like I am the most God-awful sinner does not help me. I am still me, but I am trying to figure out who I am and what direction to go in with my life. I never was "straight". I just tried two different options, being with a man and singleness. I don't want to live a lonely life and die alone. I am a good person. I'm a Christian and I have bent over backwards for my family. I babysit my nieces, I have been to every single performance, birthday party, dance recital, etc. I took care of my dad after his stroke. I took him to rehab, and I take him to his doctors appointments. I give money to poor people when I can, I sponsor children, I NEVER get angry or treat anyone bad.

And here I feel like I'm a fucking disgusting evil person. I can't live like this.

Trying to get back into the swing of things...

I loved school; I miss it terribly, and if I could right now I would definitely be in seminary. I miss the discussions, studying, learning, having debates... I have been out of school a year and a half and it has taken a toll on my spiritual life. Studying biblical and church history, theology, hermeneutics , etc. are things I'm hugely passionate about. However, I'm trying to get back into studying and learning, and I'm really enjoying reading people's blogs. This guy, Peter Walker is a student at George Fox seminary (somewhere I would love to attend!) and I thought I would share his recent entry since I enjoyed it so much. It is about the contradictions Paul makes throughout his letters, and how we look at it. I'm busy trying to get some things together in my life, but as soon as I can, I will start studying, reading, and posting blog entries about my thoughts and beliefs on certain things. Until then, I hope you non-existent people enjoy the little bit I do post.
"Outstanding Among the Apostles" - What's your choice?!

Another day of gay/lesbiand discrimination. How could people disciminate against innocent children?

This made me sick... If they feel so strongly towards gays and lesbians, should they want the kid to learn about God?! And what about the parents who are divorced?
Matthew 19:14 Jesus said, "Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these."

Matthew 18:6 "But if anyone causes one of these little ones who believe in me to sin, it would be better for him to have a large millstone hung around his neck and to be drowned in the depths of the sea."

(link above. click on title)
Catholic School Rejects Child Because Of Lesbian Parents

BOULDER, Colo. -- A preschooler is caught in the middle of a fight between religion and sexuality. Sacred Heart of Jesus Catholic School, in Boulder, has refused to readmit a preschooler because the child has two moms. Her parents are lesbians.

"God and Jesus would not allow discrimination in that way," said Joellen Raderstorf, one of about two dozen demonstrators who turned out at Sunday's church service.

Most of the protesters stood silently, across the street, holding signs. One read "God loves all people."

Some of them went inside during mass. The priest addressed the situation in his sermon.

"He feels like it's a calling to be strict with upholding the Catholic principles," said Dave Ensign, president of the Board of Directors of Boulder Pride, a gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender organization.

"People who understand the Catholic teaching will understand why the decision was made," said Fabien Ardila, a member of the parish.

However, not everyone in the parish agreed with the decision.

"I just feel the Catholic Church is a church that should be teaching acceptance and tolerance. I just don't think this is an example of that," Juli Aderman-Hagerty told 7NEWS as she was leaving Mass. "Father Breslin said it right. We're all sinners. Why discriminate against this end of sinners?"

Church leaders declined to answer questions from 7NEWS.

However, the Archdiocese of Denver did issue this statement:

"To preserve the mission of our schools, and to respect the faith of wider Catholic community, we expect all families who enroll students to live in accord with Catholic teaching. Parents living in open discord with Catholic teaching in areas of faith and morals unfortunately choose by their actions to disqualify their children from enrollment."

Raderstorf said it seems there's a double standard.

"I don't think they interview to see what parents are divorced or what parents are using birth control or other things that are against the teaching of the Catholic Church," she said.

Protesters said they'd like to see the decision reversed in this case. At the very least, they're glad their voices are being heard.

"Perhaps the reaction is a wake up call that we're at a point in history that we can't do discrimination like this without negative repercussions," said Ensign.