Apologizing to people you dated to cover up your lie...

So the major topic right now is health care, and sure, I could rant forever about how people are ridiculous, and how sad it is that people are making horrible statements about having to "take care of bums"... I just may do that later. But since every other person will be discussing it, I want to take the time to talk about the people ex-gays hurt, and how to reconcile these relationships.

You see, when I became a Christian, I had such a personal relationship with Jesus because it happened on my own and I wasn't raised in Church, that I really wanted to please him. When people told me I had to be straight, I jumped into the first relationship I could. Now, I would never apologize to that jerk because he was abusive and destroyed my life, but there were a few guys I tried to get to know after that, and one was really wonderful. I tried, but obviously couldn't feel anything for him. He was devastated and it ate him up because he wanted to know what he did wrong. It was wrong of me to lie for all those years and say I was straight. It was very wrong for me to lie and bring other people into it to hide my secret, or to prove I was straight and, therefore, a "good Christian". I never had an explanation for him, and we eventually drifted apart.

That was about a year ago or a little longer. We recently reconnected on facebook and began talking. I sent him an email explaining how hard it was for me to come to terms with my sexuality and how sorry I was for putting him through that. He was relieved to finally have closure. All is well with us now, and hopefully we can rekindle a friendship.

Ex-gay ministries can be helpful by helping people with porn addiction and things of that nature, but they are very dangerous by telling people they can be healed and go on to be married. When I was going through an ex-gay program, I was told not to worry about the emotions or attraction. The goal was for me to be holy, and not to trade one sin (checking out girls, I suppose?) to another (checking out guys). We were told that we were to retrain our brain until we no longer wanted a relationship with the same-sex. I was given books to read to accept my feminine side and have good friendships with other girls. I was told it was from having an overbearing mother, and that with enough prayer and work, I would be fine. And you know what? I was okay with that. If I could truly be healed and have a normal relationship with a man, I would want that. Who wouldn't want to be a "normal" person in society with the marriage, house, 2.5 kids and a dog. Sadly, it never worked. No matter how hard I tried, or how long I stayed in relationships, it would never feel right. People would say, "Oh, you aren't in love yet" or "you haven't found the right one". So there I went, putting another guy through a horrible relationship of me not feeling anything, but dreaming of marrying him and hoping things would work themselves out.

It isn't your fault for getting into a marriage or even just a relationship with some of the opposite sex and then hurting them. I hope and pray that people will stop trying to make people be something they are not so we can all go on to live happy lives. The straight person looking for the love of their life doesn't deserve be fooled by a supposed "ex-gay", and the gay person doesn't deserve to be pushed into a relationship that will never work. It's never too late to apologize to someone, whether it is a straight person you attempted to be straight with, or the gay person you tried to force to be straight. I suggest it. It will be a weight off your shoulders.

I just want to be loved...

I have always known I was gay, but I especially knew at 14. That is when I came out. When I went through a little ex-gay program and prayed and prayed for God to take away the gay (and after realizing I could never be straight after trying to be with a man) I settled on a life of singleness. I was happy then, even though I was single. Everyone loved me, but I was alone. Now that I have someone and I'm very happy with them, my family life is strained. It's like I have to choose. I can't handle the stress. I mean, my family life isn't BAD, but I know my brother's are pissed about my life. My mom asks "how did you wind up getting back in sin? You were doing so good beating it!"

I can understand people not agreeing with me, but acting like I am the worst person in the world is not helping me. Treating me like I am the most God-awful sinner does not help me. I am still me, but I am trying to figure out who I am and what direction to go in with my life. I never was "straight". I just tried two different options, being with a man and singleness. I don't want to live a lonely life and die alone. I am a good person. I'm a Christian and I have bent over backwards for my family. I babysit my nieces, I have been to every single performance, birthday party, dance recital, etc. I took care of my dad after his stroke. I took him to rehab, and I take him to his doctors appointments. I give money to poor people when I can, I sponsor children, I NEVER get angry or treat anyone bad.

And here I feel like I'm a fucking disgusting evil person. I can't live like this.

Just getting started... my background: I'm an ex-ex-gay.

(Started at opensalon, but was told they would have rights to my blogs and to edit it without permission).

Hello blogger world. I'm Angela, 25, with a B.A. in Biblical Studies. People expect me to be conservative with the fact that I'm from South Mississippi and went to a baptist college, but I don't exactly fit into the mold for this area. I love to discuss faith, the bible, politics, and other issues similar to these. I tend to piss people off with the little bit of biblical knowledge I have, and the fact that I view scripture differently. I try to live a life of love, but it's so easy to get angry when people attack you for your beliefs or the way you live your life.

Lucky for me, I wasn't raised in a strict, religious home. Sure, my mom took me to Sunday school every so often, but if I didn't want to go, it wasn't a big deal. (This later came back to bite me in the ass when I enrolled in biblical studies with zero knowledge of the basics.)

Fast foward through awkward child years, and at 15-years-old, I fell in love with my best friend. Then there is my mom freaking out, my brothers not wanting me around my nieces, the straight friend who I am in love with making me her slave, the teachers and principal going against me, and the gay bashing from Christian kids... as I got older, I was able to get into gay clubs although I was underage, dated, got heartbroken, tried to make myself straight by dating guys and making-out... you name it.

After graduation I somehow found God, and was told I had to be straight to be a Christian. I forced myself to be something I wasn't because I loved God, but I became the most angry fundamentalist you would ever meet. If I had to change my life to be a Christian, than by God, everyone else who didn't meet my standards were going to burn in hell! I wound up getting with the first guy who came along, went through my dad having a stroke (which humbled my fundamentalist nature) and went through a dark depression. During this time my fiance (yep, got engaged!) began abusing me. After a year, I wouldn't let him anymore and got loose of his brainwashing and got in college. Went into English, but became interested in biblical studies. Finally left the fiance when he was trying to hold me back, and I became a youth minister. Got run off from said position after they found out I used to be gay. Went through a year of transition, lost my Christian friends because I didn't play the part or fit the mold, and after much prayer, found my place again. I decided it was better to be who I am than to live a lie.

I'm still in a spiritual and job transition, but I'm finally at peace after a year of spiritual turmoil and seven years of being "ex-gay". It feels good to be myself again...