Apologizing to people you dated to cover up your lie...

So the major topic right now is health care, and sure, I could rant forever about how people are ridiculous, and how sad it is that people are making horrible statements about having to "take care of bums"... I just may do that later. But since every other person will be discussing it, I want to take the time to talk about the people ex-gays hurt, and how to reconcile these relationships.

You see, when I became a Christian, I had such a personal relationship with Jesus because it happened on my own and I wasn't raised in Church, that I really wanted to please him. When people told me I had to be straight, I jumped into the first relationship I could. Now, I would never apologize to that jerk because he was abusive and destroyed my life, but there were a few guys I tried to get to know after that, and one was really wonderful. I tried, but obviously couldn't feel anything for him. He was devastated and it ate him up because he wanted to know what he did wrong. It was wrong of me to lie for all those years and say I was straight. It was very wrong for me to lie and bring other people into it to hide my secret, or to prove I was straight and, therefore, a "good Christian". I never had an explanation for him, and we eventually drifted apart.

That was about a year ago or a little longer. We recently reconnected on facebook and began talking. I sent him an email explaining how hard it was for me to come to terms with my sexuality and how sorry I was for putting him through that. He was relieved to finally have closure. All is well with us now, and hopefully we can rekindle a friendship.

Ex-gay ministries can be helpful by helping people with porn addiction and things of that nature, but they are very dangerous by telling people they can be healed and go on to be married. When I was going through an ex-gay program, I was told not to worry about the emotions or attraction. The goal was for me to be holy, and not to trade one sin (checking out girls, I suppose?) to another (checking out guys). We were told that we were to retrain our brain until we no longer wanted a relationship with the same-sex. I was given books to read to accept my feminine side and have good friendships with other girls. I was told it was from having an overbearing mother, and that with enough prayer and work, I would be fine. And you know what? I was okay with that. If I could truly be healed and have a normal relationship with a man, I would want that. Who wouldn't want to be a "normal" person in society with the marriage, house, 2.5 kids and a dog. Sadly, it never worked. No matter how hard I tried, or how long I stayed in relationships, it would never feel right. People would say, "Oh, you aren't in love yet" or "you haven't found the right one". So there I went, putting another guy through a horrible relationship of me not feeling anything, but dreaming of marrying him and hoping things would work themselves out.

It isn't your fault for getting into a marriage or even just a relationship with some of the opposite sex and then hurting them. I hope and pray that people will stop trying to make people be something they are not so we can all go on to live happy lives. The straight person looking for the love of their life doesn't deserve be fooled by a supposed "ex-gay", and the gay person doesn't deserve to be pushed into a relationship that will never work. It's never too late to apologize to someone, whether it is a straight person you attempted to be straight with, or the gay person you tried to force to be straight. I suggest it. It will be a weight off your shoulders.